To succeed in life, you need three things:
a wishbone, a backbone,and a funnybone.
If I were given the opportunity to present a gift to the next generation, it would be the ability for each individual to learn to laugh at himself. --Charles Schulz
A man is worried that his wife is losing her hearing, so he consults a doctor. The doctor suggests that he try a simple at-home test on her: Stand behind her and ask her a question first from twenty feet away, next from ten feet, and finally right behind her.
So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen facing the stove. He says from the door, “What’s for dinner tonight?”
Ten feet behind her, he repeats, “What’s for dinner tonight?”
Still, no answer.
Finally, right behind her he says, “What’s for dinner tonight?”
And his wife turns around and says, “For the third time—chicken!”
A man held up a bank, demanding all the $20, $40, and $60 dollar bills. Luckily, he left after the teller told him, “All I have is $80’s.”
January is the month that people are most likely to be fired—especially if you’re and elf.
The top things people give up for the New Year are junk food, alcohol, smoking, and gambling. So basically, people are giving up on 7-Eleven.
A 103-year-old woman in Wales is the oldest Facebook user. It just goes to show you that you’re never too old to waste your precious time.
A new study found that seniors keep their minds sharp by doing puzzles and brain teasers. That’s why every morning, we stick grandma in a maze and make her find her way out.
Jean Paul, a Cajun, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old famer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died.”
“Well then, just give me my money back.”
“Can’t do that, I went and spent it already.”
“OK then, just unload the donkey.”
“What are you gonna do with him?”
“I’m gonna raffle him off.”
“You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”
“Sure, I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anyone he’s dead.”
A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, “What happened with the dead donkey?”
“I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $898.”
“Didn’t anyone complain?”
“Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.”
A woman goes to a spiritualist—a medium. She wants to get in touch with the spirit of her dead husband. The medium goes into a trance and after a while a voice comes out.
“Barbara,” it says, “Are you there?”
“That’s Jack,” the wife says, “I’d know his voice anywhere. Jack, tell me…where you are…is it nice?”
“Barbara, it’s absolutely gorgeous…The sky is beautiful blue with pretty white clouds…
and the cows…Barbara, I really wish you could see these cows. Brown cows, black cows, white cows—such beautiful cows I’ve never seen, never in my whole life.”
“But… Jack, I didn’t know they had cows in Heaven.”
“Who’s talking about Heaven? I’m a bull in Argentina!”
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
This friend of mine went out with a woman. Her mother liked him, but her father didn’t.
He went out with another woman whose father liked him, but her mother didn’t. Finally,
he met a woman whose mother liked him, her father liked him, but her husband couldn’t
There was a young fellow of Lyme,
Who lived with three wives at one time.
When asked: “Why the third?”
He replied: “One’s absurd,
And bigamy, sir, is a crime.”
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his
size from too much pi.
Three old men were sitting on a front porch comparing their memories. The first one says “I remember being in a stroller, I must have been two.
The second one says “I remember standing up in the crib and looking around.”
The third one says “You both have lousy memories, I remember going to a picnic
with my dad and coming home with my mom.”
A magician is working on a cruise ship, but there is one problem. The captain’s parrot watches every show he does, and after figuring out the tricks, the parrot has started yelling out the secrets of how the tricks are done.
The bird says, “Look, it’s not the same hat!” or “Hey! He’s hiding the flowers under
The magician is enraged. But it’s the captain’s parrot, so he can’t do anything about it.
One day on a long cruise, there is an accident. The ship crashes and sinks. The magician and the parrot find themselves clinging to the same plank of wood in the middle
of the ocean. For days neither says anything. Finally, after a week with no hope in sight,
the parrot says, “Okay, I give up. Where’s the ship?”
Why aren’t elephants allowed in the swimming pool?
Because they can’t keep their trunks up.
I wonder what the French say when they get déjà vu?
The wife was in front of the divorce judge and said, “All I’m asking is that my husband should leave me the way he found me.”
Slightly taken aback, the judge said, “But lady, that’s impossible.”
“Why impossible?” she persisted. “He found me as a widow, didn’t he?”
If everyone owned a horse, the country would be more stabilized.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to “Honor thy father and mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
One little boy replied, “Thou shalt not kill.”
The only way to double your money in Las Vegas is to fold it and keep it in your wallet.
Why can’t you eat carrots with fingers?
Carrots don’t have fingers.
UFO’s: Elusive flying machines thought to be piloted by extraterrestrials and generally confined in their earthly encounters to areas where the National Enquirer is considered a literary magazine.
Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Isn’t that called a horse?
The fly made a visit to the grocery store
Didn’t even knock—went right in the door.
He took a bite of sugar, and took a bite of ham,
Then he sat down to rest on the grocery man.
Why did the math teacher dice her carrots?
She wanted square roots.
I don’t believe in reincarnation, but I think I may have in a former life.
Just when you think tomorrow will never come, it’s yesterday.
There are a lot of theories for why the dinosaurs went extinct. Most likely
the dinosaurs got bored staring at the exhibits in natural history museums, and they died on the spot.
What smells good and rides a horse?
The Cologne Ranger.
I finished the New York City marathon in under an hour. I would’ve been faster, but I had to stop for gas.
A police officer stopped a drunk wandering through the streets at five o’clock in the morning.
The policeman said: “Can you explain why you’re out at this hour?
The drunk replied: “If I could, I’d be home by now!”
Chicken Little only has to be right once.
My wife thinks I’m too nosy. At least that’s what she keeps scribbling in her diary.
A blonde was sitting in class when the professor asked her if she knew what the Roe v. Wade decision was. She sat there for quite a while pondering this very profound question and finally sighed and said, “I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware.”
What’s white, fluffy, and beats its chest in a pastry shop?
As the poet said, “Only God can make a tree”—probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
I was riding a horse, and its leg was broken, so I had to shoot it. Everybody on the carousel freaked out.
“Knock. Knock.” “Who’s there?”
“Ears.” “Ears who?”
“Ears another knock knock joke.”
How do you make a fruit stand?
Take away its chair.
I’m from a very large family. Seven parents.
I went to see a psychic the other day. I could tell right away that she wasn’t any good. She took one of my checks.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he went off to school?
From the west to the fabulous east
Lies the natural world—used to, at least;
Look in forest or den,
In zoo, farm or pen,
Now it’s Man that is really the beast.
A man who won the $100 million lottery said he was going back to his job teaching. Apparently he doesn’t teach math.
What happens when a green tomato is put into very cold water?
It gets wet.
A hunter walking through the jungle was surprised to find a pigmy standing
beside a very large dead elephant. Amazed, he asked, “Did you kill that?”
“How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?”
“I killed it with my club.”
The astonished hunter asked, “How big is your club?”
“There’s about seventy of us.”
CEO : Corporate Ego in Overdrive
When I feel like getting away from it all, I just turn the TV on to a Spanish soap opera and imagine I'm on vacation in a hotel in Mexico.
Leisure time is when your spouse can't find you.
What is a bird after he is four days old? Five days old.
He: I've traced my ancestors right back to royalty. She: You mean King Kong?
She: Do you know it takes three sheep to make a sweater?
He: I didn't even know they could knit.
The only time it's cool to yell "I have diarrhea!" is when you're playing Scrabble.
Steve: I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
Frank: I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-wheel drive vehicles.
Steve: She did. But where am I going to find a fake jeep?
A brave but quite odd gladiator
Fell in love with a young alligator,
His friends said, “You fool,
Get out of that pool,
You’re expected to fight her, not date her!”
I try not to argue with my wife. I might win, and then I'd really be in trouble.
When is a car not a car? When it is turning into a driveway.
He: Tell me, where did you get those big, blue eyes?
She: They came with my face.
She: You look like my fourth husband.
He: How many have you had?
She: Are you sure? He: I'm positive.
She: Only a fool is positive.
He: Are you sure? She: I'm positive.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
I play chess with my dog nearly every day.
Your dog plays chess? That's great.
Not really. I beat him two times out of three.
I asked if I could see her home, so she showed me a picture of it.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth--so that I can find out if all those women were telling me the truth.
Why is a roomful of married people empty? Because there isn't a single person in it.
It was a magical night. The moon was out, and so were her parents.
She: Would you like to see where I was vaccinated?
She: Okay, we'll drive past it in a minute.
So, what did your blind date look like?
Well, he looked a lot better over the telephone.
Steve was waiting on the corner for his blind date to arrive. Suddenly, this woman
walked up to him. He said, " Are you Susan?"
She said, "Are you Steve?"
Steve said, "Yes."
She said, "I'm not Susan.
The fabulous Wizard of Oz
Retired from the business becoz,
What with up-to-date science,
To most of his clients
He wasn’t the wizard he woz.
How did l learn to dance? Simple--when I grew up there were six kids and only one bathroom.
My wife has just two complaints: first, she's got absolutely nothing to wear.
And second, she's run out of closet space to keep it in.
Rembrandt produced roughly 300 paintings--of which nearly 1,000 are in America.
WE DO NOT STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD;
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING.
You've got to hand it to Venus de Milo. I mean, how else would she eat?
I was a premature baby--my father wasn't expecting me.
Nature is, by and large, to be found out of doors, a location where, it can't be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
She: Have you read any of Shakespeare's plays?
He: Only two of them.
She: Which ones? He: "Romeo and Juliet."
Two pigeons were flying over a car dealer's and one said, "Why don't we put a deposit on that Mercedes?"
MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken.
The trouble with hitting the jackpot on a slot machine is that it takes so long to put the money back in the machine.
Why did the big rope scold the little rope? Because it was knotty.
There was a young athlete named Tribbling
Whose hobby was basketball dribbling,
But he dribbled one day
On a busy freeway—
Now is sister is missing a sibling!
My brother is a brilliant medical researcher. He's just invented a cure for which there's no known illness.
A show off is a child who is more talented than yours.
Many a tombstone inscription is a grave error.
My wife has a terrible memory. She never forgets a thing.
I was a musical prodigy.
At three I composed an opera.
At four I wrote a minuet.
At five I wrote a complete symphony.
And at five-thirty, as usual, I went downstairs and had a cup of coffee.
I've decided on my New Year's resolution: from the beginning of March, I'm resolving not to procrastinate.